And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
