Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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