My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
