Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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