My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
