I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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