The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
