now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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