Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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