I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Randomize