Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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