I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
