I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
