I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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