When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize