Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
