Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
