I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
