Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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