Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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