I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
