I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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