saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
