did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
