Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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