I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
