How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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