My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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