Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
