I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
