Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
