Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
she smelled like a LAN party
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
