I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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