i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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