you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
