Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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