Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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