I heard we made out
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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