I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
