So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
