I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize