I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
