My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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