no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
