Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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