I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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