I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
