I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
