why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize