And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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