she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
