If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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