Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
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