My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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