The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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