Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
