I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
