Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
