What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
