Your face is a jimmy john
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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