she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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