the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize