Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
